Not going back; forward, yeah, that way
~ shifts in direction begin long before any decision appears evident
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Yes, I’ve been ‘overwhelmed’ but learning.
I’m a little less overwhelmed and feel like I’m doing more effective learning and making some better choices. I had better …
It’s rooted in asking myself, “So, you think you want “normal” back. But do you?”
Or do I want relief, clarity, and something steadier than the churn you have been calling ‘my life?’
This, a bit obscurely, describes my mood/mode/moment …
I’ll generalize, because I don’t think I’m alone. I wonder just how common this might be, but I think this shift I’m feeling has been a long while in gestation, for weeks or months before we notice.
Long before we choose anything.
Long before the decision becomes visible, even to ourselves.
But …
Shift happens …
I used to believe the goal was to return to normal. Back to centre. Back to balance. Back to whatever version of life felt familiar and manageable. Like stilling a swinging pendulum.
After the last few months, I am not sure that old normal is worth reclaiming, or half as good as it is right now, with some great things to look forward to …
There has been too much movement. Too many late nights. Too many obligations, and too many yeses when NO would have served me better.
For example, this past week, five nights out of seven, one all-nighter, and a schedule stacked with things that were good in isolation but crushing in combination.
Somewhere in all that noise, something shifted.
And the hard truth is this: the shift happened before I noticed it. Long before I paused. Long before I asked the question that matters most today.
And, if I think that way, I have to ask myself, “What are you actually trying to get back to?”
When I look closely, I see a different pattern. Not a return, but a quiet recalibration. Sleep is creeping higher on my priority list. Rest showing up as something earned, not avoided. A bit of reflection and frank thinking about my limits. And a bit more courage about my choices.
It is not dramatic. It is not a line in the sand. It is not a single day I can circle on a calendar and declare, “This is when everything changed.” It is happening in low light and small decisions. It is happening while I continue digging out from a summer that felt like a landslide. It is happening even as optimism climbs again.
I am not going back. I am not trying to. I am inching forward, sorting through the debris, rebuilding my footing, trusting that I will know the next step when I take it.
As Bob Dylan put it, “The times, they are a changing …”
I think the best way back to myself is choosing not to go back at all.
