What do you want?
~ to want someone without wanting everything
In the ‘north of 60’ world of relationships, companionship sounds simple until we try to tell the truth about how much of it we want. What we don’t. What we can’t get. What we can’t give …
Maybe the harder question is not whether we want the whole lovely mess, but whether we can describe the ingredients, the process, or the finished meal without simply making a different kind of mess …
Help wanted: day and night, but not every day and not every night.
Isn’t that what many of us want now?
Closeness, affection, conversation, laughter, comfort, and the occasional rescue from our own overcooked single-life independence. But not necessarily another merger.
Not shared banking, shared closets, shared irritation, shared calendars, and negotiated television. Not romance with a moving van parked outside. But retaining some mutual understanding of lifestyle options, and candid talk about expectations …
That’s well-worn cynicism.
It may be learned from our experiences, or listening to the stories others tell. At this age, companionship needs more truth-telling than theatrical moves or a script.
We’ve all got histories, preferences, habits, fears, freedoms, and furniture. We may want something with someone, convincingly, or deeply, without wanting everything in our lives rearranged. And we all have/had/lost/re-made a plan, some expectations, a family and a will. And, free will we’re not prepared to sacrifice, no matter how good things seem to be …
Some of us have had that whole-thang once or twice or more …
And, in addition to a taste/thirst for adventure, we each have reality of ailments, injuries and diseases - and whatever we haven’t encountered yet, there’s also the package of fears we’ll harbour about what’s down the road. Times two …
So, when we meet someone we want to have more with than just an occasional walk or cup of coffee, what are we really asking for?
What are we offering?
And what do we expect someone else to want of us:
company, custody, or caregiving?
or all of those
Every relationship I’ve had has ended, which makes me no different from most people, except perhaps more willing to say it plainly. I’ve enjoyed great fun, deep affection, good company, lovely partners, and chapters I would not erase, including the most recent one …
Still, permanence and I have not signed a successful long-term lease.
So now, the search for a partner in mischief or more, that search gets more complicated.
Many women I’ve met over the years, especially widows, have already done the full catastrophe: marriage, caregiving, loss, grief, recovery, rebuilding.
Some have hung up their skates, and say so.
But of the rest, what’s their appetite and are they trying?
That question applies, I’m sure, for men too - because the use of lubes, oils, gadgets, blue/yellow pills or a handful of supplements, powders and other things, practices, exercises and contortions isn’t an ideal solution if their motivation is not matched by a partner’s reciprocal desire. So, there is a case to be made for saving their money and stress by staying home alone.
Some women and men will say they’ve not closed up shop, but their words/actions of what they are prepared for don’t always align with what they’ll do - so that’s always a risk, regardless of what you're told, or whatever you choose to hear/interpret ...
And everyone - single or coupled- has similar complications, often with blended families (really, do they blend?) - with homes, calendars, children, grandchildren, friends, and freedoms. They may be speaking similar words with far different expectations.
Men aren’t innocent bystanders, but we aren’t the only responsible party, and anyone who tells you their relationship demise was caused by the other party alone could never pass a polygraph test ...
We arrive at this place, this stage of life and love with unique but similar resumes of life’s troubles, bruises, damage, charm, mis-judgements, blind spots, habits, preferences, and occasional delusions of adequacy or illussions of what might come next, and after that, and after _____ .
The challenge isn’t finding someone who talks a good story about companionship.
The challenge is to engage in full, true, and plain disclosure before the audition begins.
Most common cause of death among older single folks is isolation and loneliness - so, you have to wonder, why would anyone try so hard to be alone and to keep it that way?
Methinks that’s what many do; they won’t admit it, but it be true …
The brave thing may be wanting what we want honestly, while leaving enough room for someone else to want what they want honestly too.
So, what do I want?
What do you want?
Lets talk about that, but you go first …