Worth it ...

~ this work, that project, that dream fulfilled, that one not, what comes before or after us should matter, should it not?

What happens several times (sometimes many) every day is not the wandering down some rabbit hole, which can be resisted to some degree, but the most amazing part is the number of %*)#effing rabbit holes.

Please, rabbit holes, leave me alone, for a day or two - that would be so nice.

But they don’t listen.

The rabbit holes, the rabbits that make them keep making more of them - and then it hit me - NO, it’s not the rabbits or the holes - it’s ME, my brain, ability to have spacers between tasks, between ideas like we put punctuation between words - and that is why there too many things in every day and not enough space for play in every day.

It’s not ADHD that gets the blame.

It’s ADHD that earns the credit. TRUE

I admit to fatigue because it’s exhausting separating the worth and worthy from the worthless - like doing a crossword puzzle without the clues or a solution - you don’t know and the courage to admit it is crazymaking too, but the chance any particular rabbit hole diversion in my day of distractions might be the idea or innovation of a lifetime - and that’s something to live for, work for, play for and dream of making into a reality.

T/F? - I can’t turn back the life clock to restart at an earlier age, can I? FALSE

I can, I can do anything I want to do.

If I want the way things are, the way I approach anything to be different just by thinking about it, I CAN do that, right? TRUE

So, if I want to transform myself, my life, hopes, dreams, and the field of all possibilities for me to a re-set date certain a few months ago, I CAN do that, can I not? TRUE

I know the last few paragraphs might seem bizarre to you, the reader, and if it does seem a bit crazy to you, then you are probably not ADHD.

If, on the other hand, this seems like a perfectly sensible explanation of rabbits, holes, and why you can make any sense at all of your brain, my story, or any other complex upsidedown thinking process you encounter - then you are either crazy or ADHD too.

We’ve all encountered, many times I’m sure, that notion of questioning our own sanity, or the sanity of someone else because we can’t seem to make sense of what we said or thought or we couldn’t understand how we could agree to something today which seems to make so much good sense when as recently as a day or two ago, or last week, we thought it was the craziest notion of all. We aren’t crazy in these moments, we are absolutely sane and rational. We were just as sane and rational recently when we felt the opposite or contrary feelings - they made sense then too, and you too might wonder how that could make sense.

I know it sounds strange. I expect engineers and math-centric readers to feel the urge to scream, “But Mark, that’s just crazy!” … Their brain training is to deal in absolutes, and the notion that apparent opposites can be both true is not a law of physics or math; it is a circumstance of the brain, the rabbit hole, and the allure of exploring possibilities. (it’s not a Schrödinger'scat thingy either)

I doubt this exercise I’ve described - real or imagined, will make sense to anyone but me and one other person - I’m not on a crusade to convert anyone’s thinking or to explain details of any thought found down any rabbit hole in my life, work, relationships or self-understanding constructs in my mind or my behaviour.

No, it’s not crazy, it’s not completely sane at some moments either - it’s a few words on a page, typewritten characters arranged just one way as they are in my brain at this moment because they spilled out of my head this morning from 7:00 to 7:21 AM.

These thoughts did not exist in this form for publishing to an audience of even one person (OK, for one particular person) but otherwise, it’s not a story to tell about myself or to accuse or excuse myself of anything at all.

It is the confluence of thoughts of recent experiences, conversations and exploration of a rabbit hole of possibility, with the stream of consciousness of yesterday’s brilliant interactions with friends, colleagues and clients in about ten different situations that came together yesterday - moving some things forward, moving some minds in a new direction/better direction, some client hand-holding on something really important, validating someone’s worth by praising them for a job very well done - the doing of it and knowing the good it did for them, and how good that felt for me too - and the simple realization by me and one other person that we were looking at a complex construct of actions and choices that we could either continue with on a path to unhappiness, or by rethinking and combining some wishes for a happier outcome - to take some time travel back to an earlier spot on our timeline - to rethink, to restart, and to do it today, not to wait ~ with an open mind (or … if you like to substitute ‘heart’ or ‘rabbit hole’) because we are worth it and the simple shifting of our attitude-compass can make something rise out of the despair ditch, into a happy place - so easy. So pure. So simple. So worth it. So uncertain, so rabbit hole, so ADHD and so not ADHD at the same time.

Regrets?

None. True

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Three P.S. notes for readers:

1. Except for a few minutes of polishing and ‘Grammarly’ checking, what you’ve just read was written by combining many rabbit hole trips in my crazy lovely crazy mind and it took from the time I started it to complete took only the time for my first cup of coffee to get cold this morning - so if you think I’m nuts - blame it on insufficient caffeine for you, and certainly insufficient caffeine for me.

2. special thanks to those whose interactions with me yesterday (AB, BT, BS, HD) are part of this brain-melt/meld morning and some kind friends who’ve let me bend their ears recently as I worked through the complexities of all this; and special thanks too to DK - yes, it was you who introduced me to SB more than 18 years ago for which I periodically thank you or curse you, but I am in your debt sir … you had no idea what you started. One day soon I’ll tell you a story you’ve not heard, but for now, call it a genuine sincere grateful thank you so much, for you have no idea what your innocent introduction to your EA started, I’ll just say it’s been filled with extraordinary experiences and the story is not over …

3. yesterday I got an email from another Substack writer, one that stood out in my day and my mind - I recommend it for the writing alone and doubly recommend it for the subject matter even more. Check out this piece by Mary Robyn at Writer, interrupted, titled: Unlinked and Unhinged - for after you’ve read it, by comparison, you’ll think of me as just an ordinary amateur writer plunking away after you’ve read some of her words. You won’t regret the read and I doubt anyone can relate to her extraordinary kindly spirit weaving grief and frustrations into smiles and an impactful message to punch reality in the face.

AND, a P.S. to the P.S. 3 - here is what I wrote to Mary:

I cannot be the first or second - so I'll be the next, the next of many, or any - anyone who reads this will be gobsmacked by your writing skill and your capacity to weave wit and irony between the sheaves of grief and love. Amazing writing, of course. It reads like butter. Sad butter, wrapped in a life, a life shared, and the angst of being spared. Thank you for exposing your wounds to view, and sharing the love and memories you shared. You are not alone in the world when your worth is so profound. Everyone I know who has suffered through life, dying and death could surely relate to such powerful descriptions. Both of my ex-wives and both of my ex-near-wives are still alive and I never felt as close to anyone on a scale equivalent to what you've described. I salute you. I don't know where you are or if we might ever meet, but I cannot imagine that feeling. As for the bot-fight with camera company - I CAN relate. I use a web hosting and email service (sole access now for more than 22 years; yet every time I alert those fuckers to a problem with their system I have to curse horribly at least 10 times for the bot to escalate the problem to a 'human supervisor' to solve their problem so I can use their product that they never miss a penny or a day charging me for every renewal. I could change, as I have by moving many things over to Substack (so happily) but the others are business related and I must use that service from someone. But I digress. I'll close with this - you are a fantastic writer, but that doesn't tell you anything new. I would put your piece I've just read on a pedestal of virtue, as good or better than Joan Didion's novel and play about her loss. I can feel your hurt in nearly every line. You are incredibly gifted. Sadly, you are not in my postal code or I would request that we meet. Cheers, Mark

And her posted reply:

Mark. I’m deeply honored. To be mentioned in the same breath as Didion - the writer I learned my chops from long before she became St. Joan - is immense. And when the bot asks “Did we answer your question?” I’m ready to commit technocide. As I said earlier, it’s good to know I’m not alone. Substack is a balm to the soul. In solidarity, Mary xo

My response/comment on that:

There is a documentary on Netflix - I've watched it a couple of times, and there are a few Joan Didion interviews and documentary pieces on YouTube - I've enjoyed her talent, and her 'crazy' ... and, when I least expected to glean insights on her from any other perspective, I was watching a Moth talk - Taylor Negron

- hope you enjoy!

AND her reply:

Thank you, Mark! When I was an adolescent back in the 70s, I used to copy out her sentences by hand, as she did with Hemingway’s. It’s a good practice when you find a writer who cuts to the bone. I will check out these sources.

YOU HAVE NOW REACHED THE END - have a great Saturday. If you enjoyed this, consider please that every writer’s groceries are paid for with cash, so if you are not already a paid subscriber (love you all) or a free reader (most of you are, which is nice but consider paying for this publication if you can) and consider signing up to get Mary Robyn’s Substack too - I’m certain she will value the readership and her writing will certainly enrich you.

… final note about the late Taylor Negron - if you were one of many movie watchers who recall Punch Line with Tom Hanks, Sally Field and John Goodman - you might remember the comedian who said with an almost-Iranian accent - “You don’t vant carpit, you vant an AREA rRUG’ —- that was him!

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I publish this Musings column daily and post poems, short stories and other ‘plus/+’ content weekly. Many of you enjoy this content for free, and I truly appreciate your readership. Paid subscriptions are modest: $8 monthly (26¢ a day), $72 annually (20¢ a day), or you can donate any amount. Paid subscribers get extra content, but everyone is welcome - your presence matters. But if you haven't yet become a paid subscriber, I'd be grateful if you'd consider it. Thank you for reading Musings, and thanks to Substack for supporting writers like me. Warm regards, Mark

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Recent bonus postings on Musings+

SHORT STORIES: SHADOWS ON THE PRAIRIE

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